I'm so tired yet I can't sleep..

Knowing that it's Fall ess tmr makes me wanna kill myself..
Srsly.. How to go in and not feel sad man.

Seeing people from other schools coming in, all except yours.
What a waste..

This week has been a bad week (from all the studies and treatment I get in class), and I really pray that even though there's gonna be no contacts tmr, I will receive A Personal Touch that NO OTHER saturday svcs will give me.

Because I really need it..
And not only me.

Crescent needs it.
First quarter is ending in like 2 months.
That is not long.

Cos common tests are starting on the week after 14 March..
And the whole of next week is Test Week..
THERE IS NO TIME!

Goddddddd, okay I gettit man, I'll have to stick closer to you even more.
Because I will die like this.

Studying is not just a matter of one or two hours.
It's seriously psychological man.. Haha.
If you set for yourself 2h, and your mind is somewhere else, then that 2h is as good as gone.

And normally, when I manage to focus on studying, I wouldn't want to stop and think of other things halfway.. But sometimes there's really no choice..

And it doesn't get better when people in class just keep suaning you about not studying hard, looking down on you.

If I can juggle so many things and get only a few marks lower than someone who is like, super free that he/she has to find things to do, I think that's something I should rejoice about.
Because really, pressure is like super high.
I dont know what's wrong with people - cos they don't help..
Thanks for being so encouraging man.

I should consider shifting to Lisa Yap's sit for the sake of my studies.. Haha.
Even though I might fall asleep and stuff..

Thank God for Angelina once again :} sigh, I really wonder if I can do as well as I want to with so many things going on.

But I have to keep in mind that it's the process and not the ending that matters.

So what, if I score well but forfeit my personal growth?
(of course, not saying that I don't strive to study my best)

I gain nothing.
This decision to prioritize my life is hard, for all you CC4 peepz out there.
I think it applies to you too..
Think about it, with all the forced pressure that is put on you,
teachers, parents, tuition teachers and friends even.
All these pressure is constant and they won't or have the least chance of changing.

Because of how much it's imposed on you, you gotta follow for the sake of it.

Therefore, I don't wanna be another source of pressure on you too.
What good would it do, if I were to force all of you one by one, to shpd sheep, to do qt, to take initiative etc etc?

Of course, then, you would come, but if the heart isn't right, I think there's no need for me to do that.
Cos it'd only take a toll on me, and you too.

Yes, so now I guess we gotta live up to the cross †
Vertical and horizontal r/ship, rmb?

Horizontal meaning our close bond as CC4 and vertical means our close r/ship with Daddy.G (:

I realised this is kinda like doing my QT man! (:

Yea, I wanna grow in love more, it's bleedy hard I tell you.
With so many kinds of different people you have to face everyday, love becomes minute.

Really. Hate. My. School.
It breeds the kinda people that, are really like robots.
Not stereotyping k, but just saying la.

Can't stand it.
CME has become some WORK thing alr.
And morals are not taught.
I realised the way to teach these kinda things is not to tell us the definition or showing us scenarios..-.-
Like, caring, initiative, responsible.
They Do Not help. What's the probability of you facing the same scenario anw..? -.-
(sometimes, I really wonder if the school's breeding stupid or smart students..Cos the way they do things are really TOO methodical. I think I used to be towards the more creative and imaginative side in pri sch, now I find myself being logical and typical and theological, eew..)
I dont need to see myself being Ho Ching to show that I have achievements.

"Abilities take you there, but Character keeps you there."

And it's true ttm.

As hard as it is being salt and light in school, I want to.. I really do.
(btw im able to walk past YO w/o fear alr, when other people have to run away and take the longer route hawhaw)

So anw, back to the topic. CME.
They gotta live it out man!

Who else do they want us to model after?
Even teachers are like... gross.
Attitude and stuff.

What they teach is not through what they say, but by their every single action, no matter how small.
For instance, like today my physics teacher bought us a balloon for vday.
People felt touched, cos even our form teacher didnt.

And this shows what? Care, concern, that she thought about us.
People are so sensitive here, they can sense things so fast!
So how much easier will it be, to do His work man!
Ok, not MUCH easier, but it's to our advantage!

See why I dont like this school... (everytime I say this I feel abit of guilt-like backstabbing)
But, to prove my point, this needs to be known haha.

Need to be under spiritual covering alot, I know..
Need to give more spiritual covering, alot more.

Ahhh, God.... Even though tmr is not the svc for us, in number, I pray that you'll do something out of it for us.

I'm really confused, if people have a burden, won't they take action?
Why are we so passive.. Like couch potatoes..

Sometimes I just wanna shout and throw attitude haha but, I cant.
Doesnt do me any good anyway.

Yes, so now I'm kinda looking forward to tmr (: and I hope that it'll be good, very good (:

Now I know I'm super tired, cos I keep having typos and I don't realise...

But yes, I'm anticipating and expecting (even though they mean the same).
I want you to, twist, grind, wrench our hearts tmr.

Please do.
We need to wake up!

I shall reveal a very disturbing and probably quite hidden fact, we haven't had any new people since somewhere around, a while after OASIS CAMP! *faints and pants like I'm going to die* *dead*

Tell me it's okay.
If you can I can seriously..... just go and sleep now.

It's no ones fault, it's Every ones fault!
But it's just this burden(can i say this?) that's been egging me.
Yet I don't know where to start going about doing smth.

Ok, I shall stop drowning in pity/remorse and get on with life - and the next step now for me is to sleep.

Waking up at 7 tmr for Ess pract (:
(MARCH 14 IS GONNA BE GOOD I TELL YOU, START INVITING NOW!)

Seeya!
(you've just read my thoughts clearly, good job)