woohooooo.

went to work today, but i left like 30mins later. hahaha.
cos i had to meet jessie and joanne.

anyway, we had gelare.
and the waffle almost made me throw up.
i dont know why. lol.

i think it was just too rich for me.
im a poor person.

anyway, went to crazy legs for teaching after that.
ahhaha. cos inside ps was just too cold. heh.
met wm back at ps after that.

went to get film at penin. woohoo damn cool. :D
2 failures. hahahhahaha. its alright. no one knows.
mmhmm. thats all folks.

there's stupid training tmr.
it was supposed to be on thurs!
and they shifted it to tmr!
it just had to be tmr.

now imma miss floorball. ):
AND central games on friday as well. walaoooz.

anyway, i realised.
i like art :D
but not those kinda art in sch.

those kind you really need the talent and stuff.
to be able to draw well.
i like those.
you create your own kinda stuff kinda art.
hahaha. like...
i dont know la.

those art attack stuff very fun.
and those who saw the monster one before.
hahahah. i've been wanting to do that.
but its like.. i forgot. heh.
its damn coool.

anyway,
idk how to type this esp since my blog is like QUITE anti emo kind.
but ah heck.

k its like.. you tell me that you find me ______
but there's a reason behind why i do it..
i wont if i could help it, its just,
you dont seem to get hints and stuff.
thats smth i dont understand why.
i mean, i conveyed it the best i could, without sounding pissed or harsh or direct.
if i said it any clearer, i think i would have to sound harsh alr.

okay maybe you chose to ignore them, but thats another qn.
why would you choose to ignore them anyway.
obviously you wouldnt want people to be like pissed at you right.

and, i dont see the joy you derive from doing those things.
how good can it feel. (this might sound wrong)
i wish i had the courage to speak my mind,
but i guess im not secure enough to do that.

the things you do really have a great impact.
its like, you're like the nicest person ever when you dont do that.
but when you start.
its like. ARGH. stop it please (!!)

really.
and i really think that is something you're able to change.
if you put in a little more effort that is.
sometimes i think you can be a lil unfeeling too.
i mean like, how can you do all those and not feel bad?
i think most people would.

i dont know what you call this.
insensitive?
in a way you are, from my point of view.
but in another way you aren't.
things are not that simple to solve.
it doesnt just get better with a hug or a "sorry".
in this case, "sorry no cure" applies.
and sometimes, i feel bad if i say im not okay when i really am not okay.
things like these are not just surface stuff.
you will know if i am okay or not. need you ask?

on the other hand,
maybe its just your personality. frank.
that's good but hey, sometimes its better to not say anything at all.
you express your emotions very openly. i can see.
i'd love to be able to do that too, but sometimes,
it could cause more negative than positive effects.

i see you as rather self-centred no offence.
i am in no position to judge you.

but sometimes i think the things you want are just way beyond reality.
you act like you're very important and stuff in certain things you do and say.
and demand alot from people.
yes, we are human beings. of course we will be selfish.
but try to contain it? its hard, but not impossible.
i cant really give much examples.. cos uhm.
thats where im insecure in.. im afraid things would happen and stuff. heh.

but i need a source of vent and im taking this risk.
and also so that you know why im acting this way to you.
you might see me as selfish too, by what i do, from your point of view.
but i dont think so, from my point of view.

but this doesnt mean im right.
we have to give and take.
often i find myself giving.
but you say im always taking.

what you say might be true to you and what i think might be true to me.
but we each have our own evidence to support our point.
and i admit that i dont really like to give all the way,
unless the opposite party takes the first step to give to me.

thats why you might think that im selfish,
but we are actually going quite out of point here.

okay. the point of this is to tell you why i did what i did. k.
yeah. so i find that, because of all those that you did,
i couldnt take it and therefore, did what i did.

i did what i did also to hint to you that i dont like it.
but you dont seem to get the message everytime.
i really wish i am able to just speak my mind like you.
but i cant express it liddat.
dont know why.

i dont want our relationship to become one thats like, false and full of pretence.
what kind of relationship would that be already.
i believe that this is not your true self.

and i think there's no respect going both ways.
its just a one way path.
respect for you was strong at start.
then it starts getting lesser and lesser and lesser.
the reason everyone wants to be with you, is because of that side of you that's fun and funny.
but its like, because of those things you do, you spoil the good impression that others have of you. isn't it such a waste.

without that thing you do, you would be more loved and have more good friends.
genuine ones. those who dont go out just for the sake of killing time.
actually, its not much im looking for,
its just to stop doing that act to people around you.

you know that people dont enjoy it.
and you dont like it to be done on yourself, then you shouldn't do it to others.
its just that one thing and everything will be fine.
i mean, i find it contradicting.

when you are able to spot flaws of others so immediately,
but oblivious to yourself.
like what im doing now.
i know im in no position to force you to stop it and change or anything,
but as a friend, im just giving a piece of advice and request and speaking my mind,
being frank. i mean, this is like trash talk.
where you just speak what you think of another person,
and no one will mind. its just whether you're able to take the blow of what people say about you.

i would like my flaws to be mentioned as well,
but not in a harsh way.
ah hah! maybe thats why i dont convey things directly to ppl.
cos i dont like it conveyed directly to me as well.

i've been trying to bear with this for a long time.
not that i cannot bear with it further,
but the thing is that it is unhealthy,
and i know that one day, i wont be able to keep it within me anymore,
and when that day comes,
i foresee that you'll be even more hurt by my reactions and stuff.
and you might not even know why (if you are insensitive)

you might not know who i am referring to,
but compare these descriptions to your lifestyle,
see if it matches.

like the book says, work it out, go to the person directly to prevent making matters worse.
it might not be the easiest way of all, but its the best way.
and since im afraid to go directly to the person, here it is.

and besides, earth is a place where we are supposed to grow.
not get caught by tempations or earthly things.
actually, for all the troubles that i go through,
my motivation is that it's a test from God.
and after that, we'll up a level.

*****************************************************
PS. Do not ask me who im referring to.
PPS. Do not ask me anything about this post.
PPPS. If you dont think its you, then great (:
PPPPS. I am totally fine, dont need to ask if im okay. haha.
*****************************************************